Lucie’s Story

So, a bit of backstory before the coming out part :

My parents are Asian, very religious and very strict. I am the oldest child, having a 3 years younger brother. As my grandparents (my father”s parents) both live in France, we stayed very close to my “big family” (including all my cousins, uncles and aunts). I’ve grown up with them all, and we all are like brothers and sisters to each other. We all live near Paris and we all met up often. And all the parents of my big family are like mine: religious, conservative and strict. I grew up in an environment that didn’t allow me to express my feeling, leading to the cold 20 years old woman that I am today. 

I never knew to be “gay” was a thing until I was like 14. Back then I didn’t realize there were so many signs that I was gay. I had a crush on Nala from The Lion King (don’t judge me I’m not into furry but Nala is a gold tier waifu) and I was very attracted to girls in general, seeking their attention more than boys. As far as I can remember, I’ve always been a tomboy. My mom would always criticize me about not being feminine enough (and she still do), and I would always ignore it and do as I please. As for my gender identity, I’m still very confused about it so let’s just stick to my biological sex for now. 

Ultimately, I found out about homosexuality. And I didn’t even think that I could be gay at first. I just thought it was cool to have diversity. But then, something clicked in my head: I slowly started to notice how I fancy girls, how I like skinship with girls I find attractive while I’m definitely not a touchy person or the way I always look at girls before guys. I was probably 14 at the time. But then I proceeded to deny all of these and tell myself I was just weird and confused. So I dated a guy I “liked” when I was 16. Everything went good, I thought I loved him. Until the day he kissed me. I found it gross, disgusting, and awkward. So much that all the “love” I felt disappeared. I didn’t miss him anymore, I didn’t even want to talk with him or see his face. So I broke up, without telling him the real reason. I feel bad because he was a good guy, but I was still in denial. 

I was battling in my head: am I really gay or am I just confused? I denied that part of me until I turned 16 and met the first girl I’ve ever loved. She was my first love. Sadly, it was never reciprocated but we are close friends. She made me realise how I never had this urge to get close to a boy I found attractive. I never needed a guy’s love or friendship the way I craved for her affection. So it was it. I confessed to her, knowing I would be rejected. I confessed because I didn’t want any “unspoken thing” and I wanted her to tell me straight away to not get my hopes up just because I’m her closest friend. So that was when I came out to myself as gay. I knew it. I was gay and I was doomed.

When I came out, I was 17 years old, I was turning 18 in three months. I was dating a girl (and I still am with her) and the more I loved her, the harder it was for me to hide the gay. My friends knew about it even before I came out. So I got really supportive friends which is amazing. But my family… That was a whole other story.

I’ve been dating her for 1 year and a half at the time. I was on the way of meeting my girlfriend and my mom and I go into an argument texting. I was in a very bad moment of my life at the time and she started really putting me down and I got so angry, I texted her that I wouldn’t bother anymore if I don’t come home. And that’s what I did. I wrote to her that they “don’t care about a gay child anyway” and I’d saved them the money and embarrassment of having a gay child. I blocked my mom and my father.

I remembered one time, when I was 15, asking my dad what he thought of people organising fake funerals for their gay child, and he said they were right. I remembered my mom not saying anything when my dad told me I’d be like dead to him if I was gay because the Bible says it’s a sin. I remembered, and I got even angrier. I asked my girlfriend if I could stay with her, she let me. I stayed there for one week before the cops found me and brought me back home. I had an intense argument with my parents there.

My dad told me I was a coward, choosing the “easiest” way as I always do. He told me I was denying my family. But my mom, for the first time, she told my father I always took the hardest path, the path that’ll hurt no one but myself because I’ve always dealt with things alone. My father and I ignored each other for months. But my godmother knew about the coming out because my cousin (one of the closest to me) outed me to her mom. She convinced me to write an apology to my father for leaving the house and being childish. After that, things got better at home. One day he decided to talk to me. Things got hot again and then, he looked at me, said to me with a ridiculously calm tone “You know, when I found out that you were at her house, I wanted to go find you, kill both of you before taking my own life”. 

I was so shocked, I laughed. Then I shut myself off, only replying okay to everything he said. My godmother’s family is the only part of my big family who knows about me and they all try to convince me that my father really loves me, that he is sad and I must love him back. 

I’m now 20. I’m still trying to get out of the house but finding a job is hard. Things got better with my mom who tries hard to be friend with my girlfriend’s parents but I’m full of hatred for my father. I can’t bring myself to forgive him yet. I can’t bring my girlfriend’s home. I can’t even mention her name. I can’t even come out properly to my whole family because this has to be kept as a secret. 

No matter how hard it is for me right now, I’ve never felt better to be able to be true to myself. It feels good. I came out because I could handle all of that. As my mom says: I take the hardest paths. I could just stay silent until I move out, but I didn’t want that. My coming out was chaotic, but if I could go back, I’d still come out no matter what.